Before He Leaves
by supermandy77
Summary: "He mentions it almost every day now, the fact that he's leaving for a month...The feelings of desperation start to flare when she realizes they've started what will be their final case before he leaves on his book tour." Late season 4, but pre-47 Seconds.
1. Chapter 1

She doesn't like the idea of him being gone, whether it's just across the river, across the country, or even across an ocean. She doesn't like it one bit.

Sure, she's known about it for weeks-even anticipated it as part of his job-but that doesn't mean she likes the thought of him not being by her side for a whole month. He annoys her to no end at times, but mostly he's a calming presence. Though she doesn't deny that she's still taken aback by her feelings from time to time.

This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to enjoy having him around so much, find herself laughing at his jokes, and dismissing his character flaws as reasons why she loves him. It's those moments when they're out with their _family_ that it hits her the most, and she wonders if the others see what she's really making no effort to hide-that she can no longer see a future that doesn't include him standing next to her.

She's lost count of the number of times she has wished she could see inside his head and know what he's thinking, especially when her hand lingers on his thigh in an effort to calm him down or her head rests on his shoulder a fraction too long when she leans in to whisper to him during a movie. She wants to know if _he_ knows what she's trying to tell him, but can't find the words to say. The thought of losing the part of _them_ that has become so vital to her existence is almost unbearable to even consider.

He mentions it almost every day now, the fact that he's leaving for a month. She's found many ways to express her displeasure-her favorite is still the day she growled and he looked terrified of what she might do if he mentioned it again-but she can't work out if he realizes that her annoyance is because she's going to miss him, as opposed to just being jealous that he's getting away and going on a trip, work-related or not.

The feelings of desperation start to flare when she realizes they've started what will be their final case before he leaves on his book tour. He leaves on Sunday afternoon, and a Wednesday morning body drop almost certainly guarantees this will be the last section of time she will spend with him for the next thirty days.

She couldn't get back to sleep this morning when she woke at three and kept thinking about his impending departure, so she was relieved when her phone buzzed and she had somewhere else to focus her thoughts. The guilt she feels for enjoying the act of texting him to tell him a murder has been committed is fleeting. She types out the address quickly before throwing her phone on the bed and jumping in the shower.

When he meets her at the crime scene an hour later, coffee in hand, she tries to hide her excitement. He smiles and hands her the travel cup, his customary "Good morning, Detective," sounding like music to her ears.

Her reply is on her lips when Esposito interrupts her. "Hey, Castle. Aren't you supposed to be preparing for that big month-long book tour?"

"Ah, Esposito, why do you ask? Trying to get rid of me, or are you going to miss me?"

"Bro, I'm not even going to answer that. I'm simply curious. You've been talking about this trip for weeks now."

Kate watches their exchange with amusement, while silently hoping Castle knows that at least one person at the precinct is going to miss him while he's gone. For as close as they've gotten this year, as much as she's tried to get to a place where she can be better _for_ him, the small changes in their relationship aren't something they talk about in plain English. Unfortunately, they both speak the language of subtext. And the problem with subtext is that nothing is ever spoken clearly, leaving Kate to wonder exactly where she stands with Castle.

"Come on, boys," she says, falling back into her professionalism to hide her insecurity over the situation. "We've got a murder to solve." She stalks off, not waiting to see how Castle reacts to her comment. Even as she walks toward Lanie and their current victim, she realizes her reaction was not the kind of message she wants to send right now, whether they're working or not.

When she puts her cruiser into gear and they begin their journey back to the precinct from the crime scene, she's still struggling to get her emotions under control. Castle makes an effort not to stare for about five blocks, before he finally turns slightly in the passenger seat and looks at her intently.

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of a dispatch call this morning."

Kate chuckles briefly at his sad attempt to rewrite a cliche, but quickly gets serious again. "I'd already been awake for two hours when the call came in," she clarifies.

"Everything okay?"

She hesitates, sure that now is not the time to lay all her feelings and worries on him. She sighs heavily as the options of how much she should tell him right now run through her mind. "Just have a lot on my mind, Castle."

He doesn't take the bait, and she thinks that it has to be a first. They remain silent until they get back to the precinct, and when he finally speaks up, a look that she interprets as concern is etched on his face. "Anything you need to vent about? I'm here if that's the case."

Kate pushes the button for the elevator and then turns to him. "I know. And I appreciate it. I need to focus on the case right now, but maybe we can go get a drink or something when it's over?"

"Yeah," he tells her softly as the elevator arrives to take them up to the fourth floor from the parking garage.

She doesn't get much help from him throughout the morning. His phone rings what seems to be every five minutes, people from Black Pawn calling to finalize details of his book tour. When it happens for the fourth time, she's had enough.

"You know, Castle, if you have other things to do…"

He holds his thumb over the answer button, but doesn't push it. "I swear, I don't know why they keep calling. It's not like it's the first time they've sent me on a book tour."

The phone continues to ring, and she tosses the dry erase marker in the air-the theory they were so close to completing now gone from her mind. "Answer it, already," she tells him through a sigh, her body falling into her desk chair to check some of the CSU reports.

He answers the phone, but doesn't leave like the other times. He sounds annoyed as well, and when she looks up from the reports to watch him for a second, she can see just how bothered he is by the incessant calling.

"Damn it, Gina. I don't leave for another four days. Make a list and e-mail it to me when you're done," he says into the phone. He stops talking, presumably to listen to Gina's reply, and he mouths an _I'm sorry_ to Kate. "What does it matter if I'm at the precinct?"

He leaves at that point, going into the lounge like the previous times he's been interrupted this morning.

She's made her way back to the board by the time he returns five minutes later, though her thoughts are still on Castle instead of their victim, like they should be. God knows she tries to ignore him when he stands right next to her and looks at the board with her, but it's no good.

She feels horrible. The victim is the one who deserves all her attention right now.

"Listen, Beckett, I…"

"Have to go. I understand." She does her best not to appear hurt, even going so far as to walk up to the board and act like she's doing some kind of meaningful maneuvering of pictures and evidence, though everything ends up back in its original spot when she's done.

And damn it, Castle notices.

"Done now? Actually, I was going to apologize for all the interruptions. These book tours aren't usually this unnerving, but Gina tells me, Nikki Heat is quite the sensation in England, so they're trying to book me for some additional events while I'm there."

"I see."

"I mean, I don't mind doing them since I'm going to be there anyway, but there's all kinds of legal paperwork that has to be filled out, I guess, and they just aren't sure if they can get all the terms settled in time."

"Sounds like a handful."

Kate wants to scream at this point, frustrated that he's again throwing his being gone in her face, not knowing to what degree it's affecting her state of mind. But she knows she's to blame, since she can't find the words to tell him just how much she doesn't want him to go in the first place. So instead, she settles for short sentences that make it sound as if she's not even interested in what he's saying, hoping that he'll get the point sooner rather than later and drop the subject altogether.

"Yeah, so I just have to go over to the office and sign a few papers-"

"Does that mean we can stop talking about the damn book tour?"

"I...uh, well, yeah. We can do that, once I get back. It shouldn't take very long. Gina said she'd have everything ready by the time I got there."

"Isn't that nice of her?"

"What the hell is wrong with you today?" Castle says as he steps between her and the murder board. "This have anything to do with all that stuff you have on your mind?"

She takes a moment to breathe before answering. "Yeah, I'm sorry. Just stressed."

"So...I thought I would stop and pick up some lunch on the way back. Can you talk to the boys and text me what they want?" She nods, not trusting her voice, and he grabs his jacket from the back of his chair. "When I get back, this case has my full attention. That's a promise."

Once he's gone, she puts the marker down as calmly as she can and walks to the bathroom, just because it gives her something to do. She needs some space and some time to think.

And, her heart traitorously tells her, _she_ needs to be the one who has Castle's full attention.

* * *

Much love to Kylie and Anna for reading and editing this. I have two more chapters already completed, but the idea is to stay ahead of the game, so look for another chapter in the next few days.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you so much for all your kind words regarding the first chapter. Here's the next one._

* * *

As promised, Castle returns with lunch for them all-burgers, fries, and shakes from Remy's. The boys bring him up to date on the case while they eat, though not much has happened in the two hours he was gone. Kate focuses on her food, only speaking when she is specifically asked a question. She _wants_ to be mad, to have him notice that she's annoyed.

Truth be told, she's not so much annoyed with him as she is annoyed with the way the morning has gone. After all, he can't control the number of times Gina calls him.

Ryan gets a phone call and walks into the hall, only to come back a moment later. "Javi, that was the owner of the club. He pulled the security footage from the night our vic was there."

Esposito jumps up, shoving the last of his fries in his mouth before he picks up his trash and throws it in the can on his way out the door.

She and Castle sit quietly in the break room. The awkward silence between them isn't normal. She knows the ball is in her court-that she has to be the one to move them forward and try to establish a balance between them again. "Get everything settled with Gina?"

"God, I hope so," he says through a sigh. He leans back in his chair and stretches, releasing the tension. He's not the only one that observes, that files away the details. "I swear to you that I'm yours for the rest of this case."

"Just for the rest of the case?" The words are out of her mouth before she can stop them, and she wishes her mind didn't get in the way so much, because these are the kinds of things she _needs_ to say to him.

It was easier before, when she had yet to accept that she wanted him as more than a friend and partner. Before he said _I love you_ as she died in his arms. The teasing was more playful, because at the time there was no truth to the words they exchanged. But now? The words and the meaning behind them have implications neither one of them can deny.

"Are," he starts, the hesitancy in his question obvious in his voice. "I mean, are we still just talking about the case? Because I might have missed something if we're not."

Kate suddenly becomes very interested in the few fries that remain on the wrapper from her burger. She pushes them around in an effort to gather up extra salt, and in these few moments her mind wages a war with her heart as she tries to come up with a response that puts off giving Castle a direct answer without taking a step in the opposite direction.

"Let's start with the case. We can negotiate anything further later."

If she thought he looked shocked before, the expression he sports now as the words leave her mouth is priceless. And while she knows that she will inevitably have to answer questions about her words, she likes that she can render him speechless.

"Later?"

"You heard me, Castle," she says with a laugh, feeling more confident now that she's managed to find a bit of a happy medium for now. "Let's finish the case, then we can talk."

He practically bolts up from his seat, gathering his trash and throwing it away before he stands next to her, holding his hand out with a smile that reminds her of a little puppy who wants to play.

"What?" she asks, even though she has a good idea why he's suddenly so eager to work on the case.

"We have a case to solve. And I don't have to worry about being interrupted by Gina anymore."

Kate takes his hand and lets his pull her up from the chair, noting with a smile that he doesn't let go of her hand immediately. They're away from prying eyes for the briefest of seconds, and he gives her hand a squeeze before letting go just as they cross the threshold back into the bullpen.

They can't solve this case soon enough.

Four hours later, Kate's leaning against her desk staring at the murder board with Castle at her side. They've been that way for twenty minutes, without a word between them. She vaguely registered Ryan and Esposito coming back, but they didn't say a word-just went to their desks-so she continued to stare at the board.

"When you're writing," she says as she leans away from the desk to stand closer to the board, "do you ever feel like you're trying _too hard?_"

"Sure," he answers, moving so that he's standing next to her. "Sometimes, if I try to force myself to write, I can sit and stare at the cursor for hours and the words just won't come to me. I finally had to learn not to force it. Of course, that also means I have these binge moments where I write for hours."

"I think I understand that frustration right now." It's an honest confession, and she chances a look in his direction.

"You think we're trying too hard?"

"At the risk of you using this information against me later," she prefaces, "I _really_ want to solve this case soon. But I feel like we might be looking for connections that just aren't there yet."

"You're right," he says through a laugh. "I'm definitely going to use that against you later. But what do you suggest we do in the meantime?"

Kate glances at her watch and realizes it's past five in the evening. They won't get much more done tonight. And there's a part of her that wants to ask him out for a drink, maybe even dinner, but she knows where their conversation will go if she does. She really does want to wait until the case is over for them to have their talk, even if waiting gets to be a pain in the ass. The last thing she wants is distractions. She's been working on making herself better for so many months now that she doesn't think she could handle hitting the pause button once they get started. No, they need to wait until the case is over and the paperwork is done.

"I suggest we knock off for the night and come back with fresh eyes tomorrow."

"You think that will make a difference? Because I think we both know where our minds really are right now."

"I know." She nods in agreement, even as she returns to her desk and retrieves her jacket from the back of her chair. Castle hurries over to stand behind her, taking the jacket from her and holding it out as her arms slide into the sleeves. His closeness makes it easier to say her next words. "But maybe part of it is that we're trying to force it in anticipation of what comes after the case is solved. So let's go home-separately-and try to clear our heads. We'll come back tomorrow and see how it goes."

"Can I make a confession?" He asks softly as his hands linger on her shoulders. Kate turns to face him, making eye contact as she nods for him to continue. "I'm afraid we're going to close this case and something will happen that keeps us in the status quo."

Truth be told, she can understand his apprehension. She hasn't exactly been the most forthcoming person in the time they've known each other, and she could be considered an expert at avoidance when it comes to him. But she can't let this go on any longer than is absolutely necessary.

"Not gonna happen, Castle. In fact, let's make it a date. Once this case is closed, we're going to the Old Haunt. You still use the office on occasion, right?"

"Yeah, when I need to write and the other women in my life have taken over the loft."

"Then it's settled. When the case is over, you and I are going to have a long talk at the Old Haunt. Do we need to shake on it?"

Castle shakes his head, even as his smile reaches from ear to ear. He stands to the side, leaving space for her to walk toward the door. "After you, Detective."

* * *

_I have to take a moment to thank Kylie for **everything** she's done to help me with this story. It means a great deal._


	3. Chapter 3

_I have a running title for these next two chapters - "Subtext Sucks." Here's part one._

* * *

Stepping next to her bed, Kate pulls the covers aside, a sigh escaping at the thought that it is nearly midnight and she is only just crawling into bed when her phone rings. She knows it's Castle, even before she sees his name on the screen. While she's happy he's calling-she's had to stop herself from calling him herself on multiple occasions-she's worried the substance of their conversation will inevitably venture into the territory they've agreed is forbidden until their current case is solved.

"Hey, Castle. What's up?"

"I'm having a 'What Would Nikki Do' moment and thought maybe you could help."

"This is the fourth Nikki Heat book you've written, and you've never once asked my opinion. Why start now?"

Truthfully, she doesn't care about his reasons. He was writing and thought to ask her when he came across a problem. As much as she wants to be annoyed, she can't bring herself to be.

"Maybe I just want to make sure it is perfect. Making it up is fine from time to time, but now and again I _do_ like to get the details right."

Balancing her phone carefully between her jaw and her shoulder, Kate situates the pillows against the headboard. Then sitting, she draws the covers to her waist, wiggling a little to become comfortable.

"Ok, then. Tell me, what kind of predicament do you have Nikki in this time?"

"It's not so much professional as it is personal," he says. She can hear the deep breath he takes when he shares the information. He's nervous about her reaction?

"Castle, we agreed-"

"You're right, we did. And I swear to you, this is a Nikki Heat question."

"If you say so."

"I do say so. Anyway, Nikki is having a bit of an emotional crisis. She's gotten used to having Rook at the precinct, and-"

Kate laughs, even though that is one of the details Castle has gotten painfully right about their relationship. She even said it out loud to him after she shot Dick Coonan. And of course Castle would find a way to tell the world, since so much of Nikki Heat was a work of fiction anyway.

"Do you have a comment?"

"The comments I have could fill a book, Castle."

"See? This is why I called you."

"Because I call you on your bullshit?"

"I like to think of it as keeping me on my toes."

"However you want to spin it, Writer Boy." She waits for his reaction to the nickname, and he doesn't disappoint her.

"Hey, if you're going to call me that, at least acknowledge that I'm a man, not a boy."

"Could have fooled me. And you seemed to think it was perfectly fine to call Josh Doctor Motorcycle Boy."

The line goes quiet, and for the briefest of moments she thinks he hung up on her. But he simply clears his throat and starts what she thinks is an apology.

"Kate…"

"No, that was bad form. I shouldn't have mentioned him."

"Yeah, well I didn't exactly respect your relationship with him either."

She opts to hum her acceptance of his kind-of apology, not wanting them to get too caught up in the past right now. Didn't he initially call her with a 'Nikki Heat problem?'

"So about Rook and Nikki?" she asks in an effort to get them back on track. If the were to continue down this road, they would end up hurting each other as opposed to getting closer. The fact that most of the hurt was unintentional is beside the point. They've still both hurt each other, and that can't be erased.

"Yeah, well Rook gets sent by _First Press_ to do an assignment in Paris for an extended amount of time. And I'm not sure how Nikki would react to that. I mean, they're together, but she's not very demonstrative with her feelings."

"Why are you asking me, though? You're the one who wrote her that way."

This is _not_ about Nikki Heat. She's certain of that. But if this is the game he wants to play right now, she'll follow his lead.

"I told you-authenticity. You _are_ my inspiration for Nikki, remember?"

"Thanks for the reminder."

"I mean that as a compliment."

"And yet you basically just told me I'm not very demonstrative with my feelings."

"Is that not...authentic?"

She has to give him credit. He knows how to get her talking-how to draw her out-even when she doesn't want to.

"Are you asking about me personally? Because I was under the impression this was a Nikki question."

"Let me rephrase the question. As a fan...of the genre...how do you perceive Nikki's reluctance to share the extent of her feelings with Rook?"

"I think…" Kate starts with hesitation. She needs to be careful and word this in a way that applies to both her and the character she's inspired. Castle is looking for answers all right, but she doubts they're really about Nikki. Hell, she wouldn't be surprised if he concocted this whole scenario for his book because it mirrored what they're going through in their own lives right now. "I think Nikki has always been a little wary of Rook. But the relationship is probably getting to a point where it's getting real, and she needs to be sure that he's in it as deep as she is. And she's just the type of person who isn't going to fully show her hand until she gets some confirmation from him that he's right there with her."

"Wait, back up. Why do you think Nikki is wary of Rook?"

"Every time they seem to gain some solid footing, one of Rook's old girlfriends, flings, whatever, shows up and makes her question just how committed he could be to their relationship."

"But some of Nikki's old boyfriends have made appearances, too. Rook isn't the only one with a past."

"True, but Nikki's past hasn't been all over Page Six."

"Touche."

"I'm just saying-"

"No, I get it. Rook has a bit of a reputation of being a ladies man. I can see how that would be hard for Nikki to dismiss."

"When he's in the city, working with her even, she probably finds it easy to keep an eye on him, as horrible as that may sound. And it's not like they haven't seen their share of bumps in the road with them seeing each other on a regular basis. But with him out of town-hell, across the ocean-I can see where she would be apprehensive."

"I follow you, though I don't necessarily agree with your assessment of Rook's personal life. The books are told from Nikki's point of view, after all. The reader only gets to know parts of Rook that he shares with her."

"And you say Nikki isn't one to share? Because I seem to remember many arguments that could have been avoided if Rook had just been up front with Nikki instead of trying to hide things from her."

"Oh, that's rich, Beckett," Castle says through a laugh, though he sounds annoyed. "If anything, I overshare."

"I wasn't talking about _you_, Castle. We're talking about Nikki and Rook, remember?" Kate says the words, but she doesn't for a minute believe any of it.

"Yeah, you're right. Sorry."

This charade they're playing is wearing thin on her patience. She doesn't like putting him off anymore than she already has, but she's afraid that they'll end up saying hurtful words if she doesn't end this soon.

"Listen, if Nikki is upset about him leaving, it probably has more to do with the fact that she doesn't like being without him than it does that she doesn't trust him. And considering my familiarity with this particular literary character, I'm going to take a wild guess and say that she just doesn't know how to come out and tell him what's really on her mind. Chances are, she hides her feelings with annoyance."

"What's so hard about admitting that she's going to miss him?"

"You created the character. Is it that difficult for you to recognize how Rook might react to Nikki admitting something like that?"

"I think it's sweet."

"Well, that's endearing, but what does _Rook_ think?"

"I see what you mean," he says after a brief silence. "Thanks, Kate. You've been a wealth of knowledge."

"Sure, Castle. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Absolutely. We have a case to solve. Until tomorrow, Detective."

"Night."

Kate hits the end button on her phone and plugging it into the charger next to her bedside table, she turns the light off. Placing her head against the pillow, she pulls the blankets up to her shoulders and closes her eyes.

But it's no good. But despite her best intentions to get some rest, she soon finds herself on her back in the middle of the bed, the blankets discarded. As much as she tried to play along with Castle's game during their conversation, she has no illusions that he didn't recognize the secrets she revealed. Sure, some of them were cleverly disguised as Nikki's characteristics and tendencies, but the truth is that Castle knows her pretty damn well. He did this intentionally, hoping to get some kind of head start on what kind of conversation they would be having once this case is solved.

Had he done something like this three years ago, she would be running right for Captain Montgomery first thing in the morning and begging him to find some reason-any reason-to get Castle out of the precinct. But now? Now, all she can do is smile and imagine the numerous ways her life may soon start imitating art.

* * *

**Again, much love to Kylie for all her help. Also, thank you to everyone who has jumped on this train and is going along for the ride.**


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank you to everyone who's reading, reviewing, following, favoriting, etc. This is the second part of "Subtext Sucks."_

* * *

When Castle arrives the next morning, looking just as tired as Kate is feeling, she's just finished her second cup of coffee. Not that this stops her from taking the third cup he hands, before situating himself next to her on the edge of the desk, their eyes looking at the murder board.

"How's Nikki?" The words are out of her mouth before she can stop them. She wants to kick herself for eliminating any and all possibilities of them not acknowledging last night's phone conversation, but she decides to wait until she hears his answer.

"I think I rewrote the same conversation three times last night after I got off the phone with you."

"Why?"

"Your advice that Nikki might not know _how_ to say what she's feeling? I took it and tried to find a way for her to avoid coming out and saying it. But every time I tried to write it that way, they just ended up having an argument and making matters worse."

"Maybe they need to have an argument."

"Why?" Castle asks, looking away from the murder board to make eye contact with her for the first time since walking into the bullpen.

"You said it last night-Nikki isn't very demonstrative. I bet she would be if emotions were running high and she was in the middle of an argument with Rook."

Castle doesn't respond, instead walks over to the murder board. Kate watches him for a minute, thinks maybe he's had an idea about their case. But he doesn't say a word, and he certainly doesn't have that childlike enthusiasm he shows when he has a case-breaking theory.

Kate returns to his side with apprehension. As well as she knows him, this is one of those rare moments when she can't tell what he's thinking. "What is it, Castle?"

He sighs heavily, his eyes cast downward. "I don't want to argue."

His words break through the last shred of subtext that remained between them-his insistence that he was calling last night about a Nikki Heat problem, and Kate's insistence on playing along with his charade.

"I don't either." She has so much else she'd like to say, but the words get stuck in her throat, and with nothing to add she reaches for his hand, giving it a squeeze. Hopefully shows him with her actions. Her silent gesture appears to be enough, bring a small smile to his face.

"Are Espo and Ryan checking out the vic's business partner?" he asks in a calmer tone of voice, one that pulls her attention back to the case.

"Financials came back early this morning and showed that our vic had a business account that had been cleared out late last week."

"And the partner's financials?"

"We should have them within the hour." She walks back to her desk and pulls out the legal pad with her notes on it, thankful for Castle's decision to bypass their personal lives for the time being in favor of solving this case.

"Beckett!" Esposito yells as he exits the elevator, Ryan following closely behind him. She looks up, as does Castle, and watches as the boys practically sprint toward her.

"What did you find?"

"We went to Harper's place this morning to ask him some questions about his business relationship with our vic," Esposito tells her.

She waits for him to continue, but is met with silence. "Yeah, so?"

"Well, you'll never guess who walked out of the bedroom-half naked-as we were talking to him." Ryan's face sparks with delight, his excitement to tell them makes him appear like a kid on Christmas morning.

"Stacy Ravel?"

Castle's outburst is unexpected, but by the deflated looks on Ryan and Esposito's faces, he's onto something.

"Can't you give us the glory for once, Castle?"

"Sorry, proceed."

Kate can't help but chuckle at the way Castle goes from looking like "Cop of the Year" to a little boy who just got yelled at for swearing.

"Anyway," Esposito continues, "the vic's wife was there all right, and from her state of undress and the genuine look of surprise on her face when she saw us, I'd say she wasn't expecting visitors, least of all us."

"Yeah, so, we finished our interview as planned, and busted our tails back here as fast as we could to see if this new information would shed any light on what we already have from phone records and financials." Ryan fills in the rest of their eventful morning for Castle and Beckett, even as he moves back toward his desk and retrieves the necessary files.

The team breaks up the papers between them and works silently until Castle sits up and smacks his highlighter against the desk.

"Got something?" Kate asks him.

"Yeah, can you look up this number? 212-555-8754."

She types in the number and hits enter, a smile breaking out across her face. "The law offices of Gustafson, Patterson, and Miller-how often did she call?"

"The first time she called was a month ago, and the call lasted for nearly 45 minutes. After that, there's at least one phone call a week lasting about five minutes apiece."

Kate files through the wife's financials, finding a possible correlation. "She also made a payment to the same law firm around the same time as the first phone call. FIling for divorce?"

"From my vast experience," Castle explains, "that is certainly enough to hire a lawyer for divorce proceedings."

Before the boys can contribute comments, Kate jumps up from her seat and grabs her jacket. "Come on, Castle. Field trip."

"Where to?" he asks, even as he rises and collects his own jacket from the back of his chair.

"We're going to pay a friendly visit to Mrs. Ravel at work. I want to know more about her relationship with her late husband, as well as her apparent affair with his business partner." Grabbing her gun and her portfolio, she stops at Ryan and Esposito. "Can you check in with Harper's neighbors and see if the wife has been a regular visitor, or if this is only recently. You know, if they've been sharing their grief?"

The boys agree, and Kate and Castle make their way to her cruiser, turning in the direction of Upper West Side and Stacy Ravel's workplace.

They aren't far into their journey when Castle breaks through the awkward silence. "You know, I will be so disappointed if this case ends up being about an affair. Talk about a clichéd ending."

"Don't worry, Castle. You can change the ending for the purposes of your book." She realizes the words she's spoken too late, and braces herself for the changing of their discussion back to the topic they have agreed not to speak about-at least not in anything other than subtext.

"I know that. I've done it plenty of times."

He sounds annoyed, and taking a deep breath, she decides to take action. Even if it's just a small gesture, she needs to show him that he's isn't the only one who's been paying attention the last four years. "Exhibit A, you got Nikki and Rook together in the first book, knowing the numerous questions it would arise about the people the characters are based on."

"Yeah, uh…"

"Not a word. I'm not done yet." She holds her index finger up in the space between them in the car, persuading him to keep his mouth closed until she's finished making her point. "By the way, if I never expressed it, that _really_ pissed me off."

"Noted, Detective."

"I know we don't usually talk about the books that much, but since you started it…" Kate trails off, not sure how to continue. "You gave an interview right after _Heat Wave_ came out, and the interviewer asked you just how much research you did on me. And it was obvious that he was looking to find out how up close and personal you and I were. But you were calm and told the guy that while you did extensive research at the precinct and with police procedure, the relationship with Nikki and Rook was fiction."

"It was-is."

"Of course. That's the point I'm trying to make, Castle. Don't cling too tightly to actual events. Use what you can and make the rest of it up, like you always do. I shouldn't have to tell you this-you're the writer."

The car becomes silent as they reach the south edge of Central Park, and she watches curiously as Castle looks out the window, observing a couple who looks like they're meeting each other on their lunch breaks.

"You're uncharacteristically insightful these last couple of days," he says over the sound of the traffic that litters the air. "If I'd known you'd be this helpful-"

"No, you would have never gotten this out of me while you were still working on the first book. Hell, if I had known about that sex scene before I got the advance copy, I would have made you take it out."

"Really? You think you could have convinced me to take it out? I have artistic integrity, Beckett."

"I have a gun, and I could point you to a number of instances when I've been very…" She pulls up to a stop light and looks across the car to the passenger seat. He sits, finally appears willing to let her finish her sentence before interrupting, even if his expression is a combination of playfulness and lust on his face. "...Persuasive."

Castle looks away, his smile growing wider. "Well, I can't argue with that," he says, almost soft enough that she can't hear him over the traffic.

Kate finds a parking spot just a block down from Stacy Ravel's office building on 89th Street, and they exit the car. She leaves the playfulness that accompanied them on the drive behind, and she suspects Castle has done the same. He hasn't made his eagerness for wanting this case over a secret, and for that reason, she really does hope that it has the clichéd ending they spoke of earlier.

He holds the door for her as they enter the building, and she shows her appreciation with a smile, not trusting her words as the thought of them officially becoming a _them_ looms in what she hopes is the near future.

* * *

_All the love goes out to K for encouraging the outpouring of words. She owns the best pom poms, people!_


	5. Chapter 5

By the time the afternoon comes to a close, Stacy Ravel and David Harper have both confessed to having a hand in the murder of Christopher Ravel. With both of them in custody, the thought of getting everything out in the open with Castle becomes a very real possibility.

"Hey, anyone else up for a beer at the Old Haunt?" Ryan asks as they all filter back into the bullpen from the interrogation and observation rooms.

"What, are you lonely since Jenny went to go visit her grandparents for the weekend?" Esposito laughs. "That's sad, bro. But I could go for a cold one. We could give Castle a send-off before he leaves us in the lurch for a month."

Kate's mouth drops open at the suggestion, her plans with Castle falling apart before she even recognizes what's happening. Her eyes lock with his, and he apologetically shrugs his shoulders, doing his best to salvage the situation.

"While I appreciate the sentiment, I don't know if I should." Castle appears to do his best to sound disappointed, even adding the family aspect to really sell his excuse. "This is the first time I've taken a trip this long since before Alexis, so I need to spend some time with her before I leave on Sunday."

"Yeah, and I have plans, too," Kate says, though it doesn't look like the boys believe her for a second.

"Bullshit, Beckett," Espo bites back, calling her bluff. "If I know you, you're going to open a bottle of wine and read for the rest of the night."

"And anyway, it's just a beer or two. We're not asking you guys to go out on a bender with us, for God's sake." Ryan joins in, doing his best to make them feel guilty about not going. "Except for Castle, I believe we all have to work tomorrow."

Kate looks to Castle when the boys go back to their desks to retrieve their jackets, and he answers with a shoulder shrug. It was only just after 5 in the evening, after all, and truth be told, she could probably use a little liquid courage tonight.

"Well?" Ryan asks when they return to Kate's desk.

"I wouldn't want you to be lonely, Ryan," Kate tells him.

"And since you're going to _my_ bar," Castle agrees, taking Kate's jacket before she can reach it and holding it open for her. "I should probably go and supervise, which is really code for buying all the alcohol."

They agree to meet at the bar in thirty minutes, the boys deciding to take a cab while Beckett suggests that Castle ride with her.

Once Castle and Beckett are safely in the car and making their way toward the Old Haunt, she decides it's time to start talking.

"I'm sorry, Castle."

"For what?"

"More than you know. But for starters, let's go with the boring case and the boys hijacking our evening."

"You didn't have any control over the case. If you did, I'd start suspecting you for murder. Which, if you think about it, would erase the boring aspect altogether."

"Castle," she laughs, loving how he can take her serious moment and make her grin from ear to ear. "We had plans tonight." The words sound odd coming out of her mouth for various reasons, the most obvious being that she has a smile on her face though she is obviously disappointed by the way the evening has progressed.

"Let's just play it by ear. If nothing else, we'll already be in the right bar."

"Sure, so all your customers can watch us walk down the stairs to your office together."

"Why Detective, are you worried about what a bunch of people who don't know you might think?"

"I…" she starts, though she doesn't know how to put into words what she's thinking. Truth be told, she couldn't care less about what the people in the bar think about her. And those there who do know her also know that she's friends with Castle.

But she's careful with her words. She doesn't know what Castle expects from their talk. Hell, she doesn't even know what _she _expects. All she knows is that they can't possibly continue in this holding pattern they've found themselves in, not when the idea of him going away for a month is almost enough to give her a panic attack.

"I'm just messing with you, Kate," Castle finally says, saving her from having to find the right words to explain her apprehension. "If it makes you feel any better, Brian is working tonight. He knows you."

Kate nods, not knowing what else to say and fearful that any words she does say could be the wrong ones. They ride the remaining blocks to the Old Haunt in silence, the uncertainty of the evening hanging thick between them.

Ryan and Esposito have already taken possession of their usual booth when they arrive. Ryan waves them over, and they walk toward the back corner, Kate's breaths coming harder as they get closer.

"You okay?" Castle's asks, not even waiting for an answer before he takes her hand and slides his fingers between her own.

"Just...not what I expected to be doing tonight, that's all," she explains.

"Hey," he says, drawing in close to her and giving her hand a squeeze as he speaks into her ear, "It's just drinks with the boys, something we've done many times before. No reason to be nervous." He turns his head and smiles at her. And despite her nerves, she returns the smile as they approach the booth.

"Care to share with the class?" Ryan asks as they arrive, and Kate realizes that Castle has once again taken her uncertainty and replaced it with a grin.

"Castle's just disappointed that the case wasn't more exciting," she lies, but the boys seem to accept her answer.

"I'm going to go set up a tab for us," Castle explains to them all, though his words are more directly aimed at Kate. He starts to walk toward the bar and she realizes their hands are still joined. "You want the usual?"

She nods, only releasing his hand when it becomes absolutely necessary. Ryan mutters something about helping him carry back drinks and hurries after Castle, leaving her alone with Esposito. He gives her a meaningful look, but she shakes it off, choosing instead to scoot her way into the far side of the booth.

"That's new," he remarks, sitting across from her as his brow rising in suspicion.

"Don't know what you're talking about, Espo." She denies his accusation, but can't look him in the eye. And, considering how long she's known Javier, she can tell when he doesn't believe her.

He hums, nodding his head slightly and leaning over the table, he takes his time, glances at the bar. "I get it, you know. Just don't think that you and Castle can spend four years dancing around each other and have no one notice."

"There's nothing to notice."

"If you tell Castle I said this, I'll deny it," he warns as he lowers his voice, "but 'methinks the lady doth protest too much.'"

"_Hamlet_? Really, Javi, I'm impressed."

"You get the point. And stop trying to change the subject." Javi glances toward the bar again, and Kate's eyes follow, watching Castle and Ryan as they start to make their way back over to their booth. "He's good for you. And he isn't the same guy who walked into the precinct for the first time four years ago. I mean that in a good way."

Almost two hours later, Kate is finishing her second beer and starting to wonder if her plans with Castle will have to wait for another night. They've had a good time, talking mostly about Castle's book tour since their most recent case was such a bore, but Ryan doesn't seem like he's in any hurry to go home to an empty apartment.

The combination of the last couple of emotionally draining days and the alcohol have warmed her, bringing a slight flush to her cheeks. She leans back in the booth, doing her best to stretch in the confined space. She's been holding Castle's hand most of the evening, but her attempt to stretch has disconnected their hands, and his arm is was now over her shoulders atop the booth.

She cuddles into his side, the heat of his body so alluring that she briefly forgets that the boys are sitting across from her. Castle's arm comes down off the booth and cradles her shoulder, his hand brushing against her right arm and it heightens her senses. As much as she wants to admonish him for his move, she can't bring herself to shift except to give it right back to him by resting her hand on his knee under the table.

When she finally regains herself enough to bring her attention back to Ryan and Esposito, she's just in time to catch Espo elbowing Ryan in the arm. Ryan gets the hint quickly, jumping up from the booth, Espo following closely behind, making excuses about work tomorrow and needing a good night's sleep.

Castle stands, taking her hand and helping her out of the booth, and they follow the boys out onto the street while they catch a cab. Kate starts to think they really aren't going to do this tonight, that she will have to suffer another night of sleeplessness brought on by the warm feel of his fingers on her arm and the way he held her hand like he'd been doing it for years.

Once they're alone-or at least minus Ryan and Esposito-Castle turns to her. "You looked about ready to fall asleep in the booth. You still want to do this tonight? I don't leave for another couple days."

She nods, hoping it is enough to convince him of her desire to continue their evening. "Do I have to walk back in there with you and have the whole bar watch us go down to your office?"

Castle laughs, drawing her in close and pointing her around the corner. "There's a stairwell about fifty yards down on the right once you turn the corner. After I bought the bar, I had the same thought. No need for everyone to always know I'm here all the time. Pass key is your badge number."

"You're not coming too?" she asks, making the decision to forget his choice of passwords.

"I'll go back in, let Brian know that I'm going down to the office to write and not to disturb me. Light switch is on the left once you get in the door. See you in five minutes?"

"Yeah, five minutes." She smiles and their hands separate as he walks back down the stairs into the bar. Only after he's gone does she start walking down the street and around the corner, wondering why it felt so wrong not to kiss him goodbye.

* * *

_Thank you to everyone who is reading, reviewing, following, favoriting, etc. I really appreciate all your kind words. And a BIG thanks to K for all her help and support along the way. _


	6. Chapter 6

Kate enters the basement of the Old Haunt for the first time since their case last year and notices that while Castle has made some subtle changes, he has mostly left it just as she remembers. Though, she is already enjoying his decision to fix up the exterior entrance they discovered was in the back room. A private entrance takes away some of the worry that's coursing through her system.

"Beckett?"

Castle's voice calls from the staircase, the sound of his footsteps followed closely by the addition of more light as he finally comes into view.

"It seems you have your own little Batcave down here."

"Except, I've purposely tried to not put anything down here that would be considered a distraction."

"Castle, this place is underneath a _bar_. That in itself is a distraction."

"Strangely enough," he says in his defense, "sound doesn't travel as well as Brian led us to believe. While I'm sure something like a gunshot would be noticeable, it's more difficult when people are actually _in the bar._"

Kate understands what he's trying to tell her-that they don't have to worry about people hearing them upstairs. A Thursday night in New York City might as well be considered part of the weekend, and the bar has a good deal of patrons upstairs.

Castle moves past her over to his desk, tossing his keys on top. She is spellbound as he shrugs off his blazer, hangs it over the chair, and then proceeds to roll up the sleeves of his shirt. If he was paying any attention to her, he would probably have no problem seeing in her eyes the desire she feels for him. Truth be told, the desire has been there since the day they met.

Turning away, God forbid he does see before they talk, she finds herself staring at the framed article from _The Ledger_ about the fundraiser Castle threw in honor of her mother last spring. He had thrown the event together quickly, but it was very successful, and the reporter even did a nice side piece on Castle's involvement with the NYPD. She'd known, even though she was still with Josh at the time, that her life was leading her right to this moment.

"I love that article."

His voice is soft from across the room, and she turns to see him seated on one end of the couch. She takes a deep breath and has to stop herself from just jumping him, as she reminds herself that they need to have a talk first. She has a few sins to confess to him before they can even hope to start something that has any chance of lasting.

"You framed it." It's not a question. The proof is right in front of her. But his decision to do so speaks volumes.

"I hope you don't find it creepy or pompous of me. I'm just...proud. Of what you and I have accomplished together, I mean."

Kate smiles at his sincerity, a characteristic he's shown her more and more over the last couple years. "You should be proud, Castle."

"That means a lot, Kate," he says, leaning forward on the couch, his eyes on her. "But I don't think you're here to assess my decorating decisions. Here." He pats the seat next to him, his wish clear.

The thought of sitting next to him warms her, and she recalls the feeling from less than an hour ago, her body cuddled into his side as he held her to him. She wants that again-always-but she also doesn't trust her reactions to his nearness.

"You mind if I stand?"

"Hoping for a quick getaway?" he asks, and the quick response makes her eyes fly to his immediately.

"God, no! Why would you think that?"

"Forgive me, Beckett, but you don't exactly have the best track record when it comes saying what's really on your mind." She can see Castle getting more and more agitated as the conversation moves along, and she starts to feel like they _will_ be arguing their way through this, that maybe they need to express all the hurt they've caused each other before they can move forward.

"This from the guy who called me last night to ask 'What Would Nikki Do?'"

"At least I called-something you conveniently forgot how to do for three months."

He has a point, and it's one that Kate can't deny. Because as she stands in the middle of the room, her eyes focused on an angry man who just a few minutes ago looked like he wanted to melt into her just as much as she did, she has to fight the urge to find a quick exit out of this.

She isn't the same person she was a year ago, though. And, if nothing else, she needs to prove that to him.

Her lack of response to his last claim thickens the already-present tension in the room. Castle doesn't get angry-really angry-often, so the sight of his brows furrowed and his hands fisting at his knees isn't a pleasurable one. She turns her eyes to the floor, takes a deep breath, and decides that they have much more to talk about than she originally thought.

"When I told you earlier today that I didn't want to fight," she says softly, hoping that her tone of voice will cool the anger she hears in his, "I meant it. I don't want to fight with you. But I'm done running and talking in code."

She makes eye contact with him, but he doesn't respond. But his hands are no longer fisted on his knees, and she sees that as a good sign.

"I think...do you remember the fight we had last year the night before Montgomery was killed?"

"Unfortunately."

Kate waits for him to say something else, expand on his recollection of that night in her apartment, but he says nothing. The look on his face makes her nervous though, so she starts to pace around the open space of the room as she continues her explanation.

"I hated it at the time, but so much of what you said that night was true."

"Beckett, I-"

"No," she says, stopping her continuous loop and holding up her hand toward him to keep him from feeling like he has to apologize. "I'm trying to say you were right. We never talk, and that's our main problem. For one reason or another, we always find a way to shove everything under the rug, hoping that it will just disappear and take care of itself. But I understand why you never wanted to say anything, Castle."

"It still doesn't excuse-"

"Castle, please." Her words come out louder than she intends them, and she has to take a breath to calm herself. The last thing she wants is for their emotions to be used to trade pot-shots with one another to decide who is more responsible for their situation. "I think the worst part of this is how far back it actually goes. I don't even know where to start."

"Usually we start by establishing the timeline." Castle's tone is still serious, but there's a slight lilt in his voice that tells Kate that he's trying to make her feel comfortable.

"You want to compare our relationship to a murder investigation?"

"If it helps us get all the skeletons out of the closet quickly, then sure. Just...establish a timeline. Start at the beginning and fill in as many blanks as possible."

Kate agrees silently, going back to pacing around the room while she tries to think of a good place to start. The first time they had a major breakdown in communication. And then the answer is there.

"Demming."

"Demming?"

"Yes, Castle. Demming. He's not at the beginning of the timeline, but he's a good place to start. You were jealous of him."

"I had good reason."

"And yet, you still invited me to go to the Hamptons with you." She remains moving, but looks over to the couch to see Castle's reaction. He looks defeated, but the worst part is that she doesn't know if it's the first time he's shown her this look or if it's just the first time she's noticed.

"You turned me down."

"Initially, yes." She pauses, watches for his reaction. He doesn't disappoint her, his eyes going wide and his mouth falling open upon hearing this new piece of information-something she's never divulged to him in the almost two years since it happened.

For a brief moment Kate wages a war with herself about keeping a distance from him while they talk. But she's about to come out and give him the first indication that she has feelings for him, and she doesn't want it to be from across the room. She wants to look into his eyes and let him see the sincerity in his eyes and voice. She doesn't want to leave any room for doubt.

"Initially?" He clarifies her words, and she doesn't waste another second, walking over to the couch and taking the seat next to him. She turns in toward him, her hand covering his on the top of his knee.

"I broke up with Demming after the case closed. And when we were talking in the bullpen after the case, I was going to-"

"Oh fuck!" Castle falls back on the couch, his hands covering his face before running through his hair in frustration. "You were going to go and I took Gina instead because I thought you…"

"I didn't exactly give you reason to think otherwise." Kate leans back on the couch, her legs tucked up under her body, her body tilted into him slightly.

"True." Castle turns his head toward her, an apology in his eyes. But then his expression changes, and he throws them forward once again. "And then you started dating Josh."

"He was, if nothing else, a good distraction for a while."

"Distracting you from what, exactly?"

"So many things." Her short answer gets him to look at her, and before she knows it, the words are pouring out of her mouth. "That I was within a few words of confessing to you that I felt more than friendship, that you went to the Hamptons with your ex-wife for the summer, and that I couldn't stop looking at your empty chair next to my desk in the precinct without thinking that I missed my chance with you."

Castle doesn't react directly to her words, instead repeating to himself, "I'm such an idiot."

"You're not an idiot, Rick." She uses his first name, something she rarely does, and it gets the reaction she desires from him.

"When did he stop being a good enough distraction?" He asks suddenly.

"What?"

"You said he was a good distraction for a while. When was it not good enough anymore?"

The answer comes to her immediately, but she can't find the right way to say the words to him. Truthfully, it's not one event but a combination of events. And if the evening hasn't been enlightening already, it certainly will be when she tells him this.

"You kissed me. And then we got locked in that storage container." She waits, watches his reaction for clues, and finds it safe to continue. "Those two things were distracting in themselves, but it took you pointing out that we never talked about it to really mess with me."

"Which means what, exactly?"

Castle grins at her, that devious smile he usually flashes when he wants her to admit to something. And because her admitting things is what this whole evening is about, she decides to shove her embarrassment aside and tell him what he wants to hear.

"Okay, Castle. Let's talk about that kiss."

* * *

_**So much love to K, not only for the beta job, but for also letting me bounce ideas off her. Also, my sincere thanks to everyone who has read and left reviews. I've never had a story receive so many reviews before, so I thank you all for your support. I didn't have time to respond to reviews this time, so my apologies. **_


	7. Chapter 7

**_Previously:_**

_"You said he was a good distraction for a while. When was it not good enough anymore?"_

_The answer comes to her immediately, but she can't find the right way to say the words to him. Truthfully, it's not one event but a combination of events. And if the evening hasn't been enlightening already, it certainly will be when she tells him this._

_"You kissed me. And then we got locked in that storage container." She waits, watches his reaction for clues, and finds it safe to continue. "Those two things were distracting in themselves, but it took you pointing out that we never talked about it to really mess with me."_

_"Which means what, exactly?"_

_Castle grins at her, that devious smile he usually flashes when he wants her to admit to something. And because her admitting things is what this whole evening is about, she decides to shove her embarrassment aside and tell him what he wants to hear._

_"Okay, Castle. Let's talk about that kiss."_

* * *

"I'm all ears."

Kate looks down, their hands so close but not quite touching, and she does her best to put herself back in that moment. A maelstrom of emotions take over, but it's one specific memory from that night that brings her eyes back to his.

"That night, in the ambulance after we took Lockwood into custody? I saw you there, getting your hand wrapped by the EMT, and I couldn't decide if I wanted to slap you or kiss you again."

"You did neither of those things." His voice is soft, almost a whisper, almost as if he's seeing that moment from a whole new perspective.

"I didn't. I decided to ignore both of those impulses in favor of gratitude for saving my life." She pauses, sees the slight disappointment on his face, and continues. "I...still wasn't completely convinced, Castle. I understood the attraction, the chemistry. But I needed to know if it was more than that."

"Kate, you-"

"Hush," she tells him, her finger impulsively covering his mouth. She loses her focus for a moment, gets caught up in the fullness of his lips and the memory of the way they feel on her own. And suddenly, she doesn't want to rehash all their missed opportunities anymore. But Castle needs the story, she knows, so she moves forward for his benefit. "It was bad timing, okay? And the fact of the matter was I enjoyed it. More than I should have, considering I was still with Josh and he was out of the country at the time."

He nods as if in agreement, and Kate decides she wants to move on from that kiss, even though the memory is one that still haunts her dreams from time to time.

"The freezer." She says the words and shivers, as she does every time she thinks about it. She stands up, needing the distance from him for this. "I need to give you some context regarding Josh when it comes to that case."

Castle says nothing, but nods his understanding. She hates that she's putting him through all this, but she honestly thinks it will be better for them in the long run that she shares everything she's held back from him over the last four years. And these are the big moments he's specifically asked about, so she owes him this.

"You saw my...uh, difference of opinion with Josh in the precinct at the beginning of that case. What it comes down to is that he found my mom's murder board in my apartment. We argued about it, mostly because he realized that you knew about it and he didn't. I was willing to talk to him about it, but we caught that case. When he showed up at the precinct, he was telling me that he was going on a mission to Haiti. He thought we needed some space."

"So when you made those comments when we were quarantined?"

"I was under the impression that Josh was on a plane to Haiti, that he'd beaten me at my own game."

"One foot out the door…" he replies, reciting her own words back to her.

"It felt like he was just looking for a reason to leave. I know that wasn't the situation, but that's what it felt like at the time."

"Kate," he says, leaning forward on the couch and it makes her stop her pacing. He doesn't say anything else, just appears to silently shows his support of her, and his gaze keeps her from delving deeper into that feeling of self-loathing that she wasn't enough to keep Josh here. He did come back, after all, even though she knew their relationship would never work.

"You were the one who was there for me. And if I was going to die that way, I'm glad you were the one next to me and keeping me warm for as long as possible."

"The feeling's mutual, Beckett."

She smiles warmly, knowing that he's absolutely speaking the truth. "I wasn't sure how to deal with him showing up, Castle. I thought we were done, that I could walk out the door without looking back. But he came back, and once the case was over he came to the precinct to pick me up and we went back to my place and I explained my mom's case to him."

"Yeah, I remember." His voice is strained, and she can see in his expression that he's holding something back.

"What?"

"Now that I know all this, I understand how you must have felt when I went to the Hamptons with Gina."

Kate walks over to his desk, leans against the end, and watches him intently from just a few feet away on the couch. "How so?"

"I was about to do the same thing after that case. But I saw Josh coming, and I knew what your answer would be."

"Castle…" she breathes, not sure how to handle knowing that he had planned for that night - after they saved the city from the dirty bomb - to go very differently.

And then he stands suddenly and walking over to her, his fingers brush down her arm as he makes eye contact. "Listen, you did the right thing at the time. I shouldn't have expected you to forget about Josh that easily. He saved me from making a fool of myself."

The truth she sees in his eyes causes her to break away, needing a moment to compose herself. But before she can think of anything to say in response, he's taking her hands in his and leads her over to the couch.

"Do you mind," he tells her as he leads her to his previous seat, "if I take up the timeline for a few minutes? I think I can fill in a few blanks here."

She nods with a smile, fully expecting him to take the seat next to her. But then he's walking away from her and mimicking her habit of pacing.

"I tried to get Montgomery to take you off the case once Lockwood escaped." She doesn't miss the fact that his back is turned to her as he makes the confession, and she wonders if he's afraid of what he might see if he was looking at her. "But he turned it around on me, Kate. He told me the story of how you met - catching you in the archives - and that he's never been able to make you stand down, that you've always found a way. He thought I was the only one who could convince you. Of course," he pauses, looks to her briefly and runs his hand through his hair, "this was the morning after your dad came to see me in an effort to get me to do the same thing."

"My dad came to see you?" She's surprised, to say the least. In the three months they'd spent together while she recovered from her shooting, her father never once mentioned that he'd met Castle before the day of Montgomery's funeral, let alone that he'd tried to get Castle to talk her into walking away from the investigation.

"He came to the loft." Castle nods and finally turns to face her. He looks more confident than he did just a few minutes ago, and she feels the butterflies in her stomach, wants to get past all this rehashing, past all the ways they've hurt each other over the last couple years.

"That night," she says as she stands and walks over to him, gets as close to him as she can without actually touching, "you were right about everything, but you held something back."

"So many things, yeah. But you told me I wasn't enough. And we were both angry."

"Don't forget frustrated. Do you know how maddening it was to hear you say all those things about me hiding?"

"Like I said, we were angry. And I distinctly remember you telling me that we were over."

"And yet you keep showing up. Why is that?" She knows the answer already, heard him profess it in the cemetery after she was shot. Really, she should own up to the truth, but there's still a small piece of her that worries he only said those words because he thought she was dying.

"I'm responsible." He reaches down and takes his hand in hers, squeezes tight and draws her body to his so there is no space between them. "If it weren't for my meddling, none of this would have happened. You wouldn't have been shot, Montgomery would still be alive…"

With their bodies so close and the regret she hears in his voice, she can't resist laying her head on his chest. She frees one of her hands and brings it up to brush against the side of his face while she closes her eyes and braces herself for the big confession she's about to make.

"You tried to save me." She waits a beat, but continues once she feels his hand on her waist, holding her to him. "...in the cemetery. You tried to push me out of the way."

Kate feels him suck in a breath and go stiff, the weight of her words registering with him. "Kate?"

"I was giving the eulogy," she continues, pushing on despite the fear she feels. "It was sunny, and I remember sharing a glance with you, trying to tell you how appreciative I was that you were there. Next thing I know, you're calling my name and pushing me to the ground. Somewhere in there was the piercing feeling in my chest."

"I wasn't fast enough."

"But you were there, Castle. And what you said…"

"I…"

"Yeah," she says, her head leaves his chest so she can look him in the eye, "that. Did you mean it?"

"Yeah, I did. Still do. God, Kate, so much."

She doesn't realize she's crying until he brushes his thumb across her cheek, wiping the tear away gently. She feels a huge weight disappearing from her chest, the question she's been asking herself since last May, since she woke up with the memory of those last few seconds before she lost consciousness. Her forehead rests on his chest once again, her apologies flowing out of her in broken sentences now that she knows the truth. "Sorry, so sorry, Castle. Sorry I lied about remembering. Love you, too. More than I thought possible."

* * *

_Thanks again to K for all her help and pom poms. Also, thank you to everyone who continues to read and review this story._

_My hope is to at least finish writing this by mid-August. I leave for vacation tomorrow, then return to moving and starting school. I can't guarantee that will be the case, but I'll make a genuine effort._


End file.
